Monday Miracle: Hate Well

“Do not tolerate the thing that you have a no-tolerance rule against.” ~Henry Cloud

There is such a thing as justifiable hatred.  Successful people know this and practice it judiciously.  To hate well means that there are some hard-fast character, social, and mental rules that you mark as inviolable.  You stand against racism or oppression no matter what.  You stand again lying or manipulation no matter what.  You stand against the act, not the person.

Dr. Henry Cloud, in his book 9 Things You Simply Must Do, writes that hating well always means that you have a loving or kind response to the person but evince a very strong stance on the issue.  Strong well placed hatred means unmovable, non-equivocal standards without meanness or malice toward the person.  In this way, strong non-judgmental values allow you to operate around the things that you hate without being infected by them while you work to remedy the situation or help someone.

Become a person who objectively chooses to hate well.  This allows you to discard the charged emotions that often damage or destroy the valued good you intend.  Then, you will preserve your integrity, shorten any stress, and contribute to well-being in your relationships.

Subjective hatred destroys.  When you choose to hate a person or an act and then react venomously, you are not separating what you value from either the person or situation.  Dr. Cloud says this is global hatred. In essence because you have been offended by a person, all people who look like that person or even more broadly is the same gender as the offender is treated malevolently.  Wrong!

Hate well instead.  Separate the charged emotions and previous pain you have internalized from the current person or situation that reminds you of a former space of injustice.  Subjective hatred often projects onto others angry, unjustified disdain and harsh judgment whereas objective hatred is precise in its assessment and addresses the infraction in ways that preserve the dignity of the person.

Hatred, as a healing and appropriate response to anything which infringes on your values, is good.  Either you stand for something or you perish for the lack of standing.  Those who hate poverty but not the impoverished hate well.  Those who hate hunger but not those who hunger hate well.  Those who hate profanity but do not curse the curser too hate well. 

Distinguish what you hate. Stand firm on the issue, and graciously on the person.

Tell us what you hate and how you make the choice to objectively hate well.  Send me your comments.

Monday Miracle: Finality

Success demands finality. Progress is determined by completion. Thus, progressive success is predicated upon finishing.  Equivocation, sitting on the fence does not bring closure.

Closure comes from finality. Making a final decision, checking off your lists of tasks, clearing clutter miraculously bridges the divide between getting things done with final flair or remaining in a vacillating vacuum.  Closure fights fear-you’ve done it. That final resolution, regardless of how painful or muddled the situation was, is a triumph that is stored in your soul and cannot be taken away.

Professor Hossein Arsham believes that “decisions are at the heart of leader success, and at times there are critical moments when they can be difficult, perplexing, and nerve-racking. However, the boldest decisions are the safest.”

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Finality is stimulating and is safe.  The more you finish, the more you will finish. Getting things done by reaching a final decision is restorative. Many people use vacillation or procrastination because they are afraid.

The what if? questions prompts wavering and doubt. Delaying decisions will only delay your peace of mind. Once you have made a final choice, that is done and over with-FINALLY! Keep your peace, make a decision and release fear and doubt.

Here is a tip to reach a final decision:

  • Play out the “what if?” scenario for a block of time. Make a decision tree. Decision-making experts say that this exercise can take from 15 minutes to a 1/2 day to multiple days depending on the complexity of the problem you are considering. Regardless of time frame, you will conclude with a final decision.

Finality is a breath of relief. Breathe deep, make a decision. Oh what a relief it is.